I will never Be Normal
It has become painfully clear that I live in a world that normal people do not understand and can not relate my world to them. I live in a world that if left untreated becomes a danger to society like the man on the beach with the evil spirit who lived in caves told about in the Bible.
When my medications work, I am relatively sane and safe to be in the world. When they do not work who knows what will happen. During this passed week, I have tried to explain what is going on with me as best I know how. The message did not make it to the destination. It fell far short of the intended goal.
I do not like to hurt people in any way, shape or form. My past is full of pain and sorrow. Some I caused and some I did not cause; but way too much for any life time.
Every five years of my life, as far back as I can remember, I go through a “major” manic/depressive episode. Why I do not know. I just know it happens no matter how much I prepare against it or to control it. 2009 to 2010 is the five year mark of these episodes and my medication does not seem to be controlling the effects very well.
What I am going through right now.
Mixed Manic/Depressive Episode
Bipolar Disorder may experience an elevated (extremely happy/depressed) mood, often described as a ‘mixed” feeling. This mixed feeling is a combination of symptoms from the manic and depressed sides of the disorder being experienced at the same time. These feelings are often frightening for the individual experiencing them and for others who witness them. People who live with these episodes also experience consequences that result in conditions that must be dealt with after the symptoms fade.
A mixed episode which I seem to be experiencing at this time includes elevated racing thoughts which cause lack of sleep that lead to frustrated moods and quick irritable reactions that last at for extended periods of time; (Weeks to months) following the onset of the first symptoms.
Some of my identified symptoms are as follows;
Excessive spending on home repairs and remodel I could not afford
Feeling restless at times
Loss of motivation or being sluggish
Fatigue and loss of energy
Strong feelings of worthlessness and failure
Excessive feelings of being misunderstood
Strong guilt for letting other’s down
Hard to really think and concentrate
Fear of making a mistake causing indecisiveness
Recurring thoughts of isolation
Recurring thoughts of giving up
Strong feelings of loneliness
Guy Lewis; July 16, 2009