Needless Friction

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Needless Friction

 

Virtually all relationship research has the same issues at or near the top of list concerning major relationship stifle or breakups. 

 

There are hundreds of research studies over the last 40 years that have five (5) problem areas in common.

1.   Non-sexual Affection/Affirmation. Men crave affection through affirmation and need affectionate affirming not necessarily sex more than women need affection. Men crave feeling special, needed, and being noticed by their wives. Men who do not get this affectionate affirming from their partner are twice as likely to seek a divorce then women. Women are fortunate because they get all kinds of affirmation from more people in our lives, mothers, children, best friends, etc. so women tend to need less from their husbands. In almost all relationship breakups this issue is present.

2.   Money. Almost two thirds of relationship breakups are based on finances. Seven out of ten relationships that end in divorce do so when one partner is unwilling to share income and living expenses with their partner. More women, an estimated 4 out of 5, fall into this miserly role then men.

3.   True Communication. Almost half of all relationship breakups have this issue as a core problem leading to the relationships demise. This trap is one, which most couples fall into rather than learning honest, open, intimate, and benevolent communication skills. This area is more likely the hardest issue for men and women to overcome and most studies seem to indicate the problem is not genetic but cultural and formed in the formative years of a child.

4.   Blame. All relationships have virtually equal blame for the failure to be shared between men and women. Not looking at your own shortcomings and honestly working to resolve them instead of pointing fingers at your partner is one of the most important areas that almost all lasting relationships share and is almost always lacking in relationships that breakup. Second marriage breakups tend to show an increase in “blaming” and not a decrease, which indicates that “do-over’s” are not teaching people to look inside for solutions to their individually repeated problems.

5.   Forgiveness. There seems to be two parts to this problem. The first is that not forgiving and letting go is the last of the top five issues, the majority of studies have in common, and that leads to the ending of relationships. One forth of women accuse their husbands of not forgiving and three forth’s of men say their wives were not forgiving; thus leading to the relationship failing. Letting go of past mistakes is one of the most important qualities of a lasting relationship. The second area of concern is commonly called “transferring” where one of the partners has not moved on from past relationship/s problems and associates the negative qualities into the new relationship; thus causing misdirected and needless, almost always fatal harm. The vital key’s to overcoming this deadly problem of un-forgiving is also two fold. Remembering that your new partner is not your old partner/s is the first vital key to a lasting forgiving relationship and remembering that we are all mistake prone needing constant forgiveness is the second vital key to a lasting forgiving relationship.

Findings compiled by: Guy Lewis, Payson, Arizona on July 25, 2012

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One thought on “Needless Friction

  1. Try these on for size: 10 Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess up Their Relationships:

    1. Secrets .. distinguish between secrecy and privacy. Privacy deals with thoughts or ideas that are personal. If a person can’t handle a “secret” such as incest or abuse before marriage, then how do you expect to be able to count on this person with the challenges of life in the future: illness, children, finances, natural disasters?

    2. EGOTISM…there is no “me” in a relationship…it is “us”. Each person in the relationship needs to be bringing something worthwhile and special to that relationship. We have to be aware and act in the best interests of others.

    3. PETTINESS..watch for the over-sensitive types..they apologize for EVERYTHING. Risk not being perfect..stifle yourself…YOU do “it”…and teamwork…all ways not to be petty.

    4. POWER..it’s controlling. It’s corrosive. Differences are not about superiority/inferiority. Everything is just labor..and no love.

    5. PRIORITIES..money, work, I do it all for you. being in the spotlight, ego gratification, how to set boundaries, not growing up, making right choices in juggling all aspects of life. Who should be your biggest priority in the relationship if you want it to last??

    6. HAPPINESS..practice, practice, practice!!! Nothing, no one, no thing, will ultimately make you happy unless you learn the fine art of appreciation and gratitude for what you have, for what he or she has to offer, for the opportunities for giving, and for life itself.

    7. EXCUSES…an excuse always follows the word “but”. It’s genetic..it’s human..the world owes me – not dealing with reality – lazy excuses dealing with money/weight – booze/pornography – denying there is a problem – you made me do it – tit for tat.

    8. LIAISONS…seemingly “innocent” friendships, going to bars w/o spouse, sharing personal info, an immature relationship with parents, always “bailing out” adult children.

    9. MISMATCH…No matter what the issue at hand (children, politics, religion, sex, family) you need to make sure you’re with someone who knows what you’re talking about. It’s not that you have to agree all the time either. But it is that you both have to understand, care, have compassion, be willing to compromise, determine to put the relationship first, admire each other’s basic qualities, support each other’s strong side, help with each other’s weaker side, fix your own inadequacies, take responsibility for your actions, and respect your vows as sanctified by God.

    10. BREAK_UPS…Reasons: growing apart, not happy, feeling under appreciated, needs not being met, differences in changing goals or lifestyles, boredom, find myself, grass is greener on the other side, materialism, addiction, adultery, abuse, not taking responsibility for your own shortcomings.

    FIVE STAGES OF MARRIAGE:

    1. Falling in love.
    2. Discovering the foibles, faults, etc.
    3. Deciding what to do about the new knowledge.
    4. (if you reach it) Is the hard work involved in getting through the realities of stage 3.
    5. Is the glorious falling in love at a whole new level of intimacy and commitment.
    (taken from book with the above title “10 Stupid Things…”)

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