To scared to be stupid.

My daughter asked me in a Facebook message on December 19, 2010, to write out a list of “How I Am Brave” but I am not sure I am brave at all. I think the above definition is more the way I continue to survive life.

Perhaps of course Valerie was openly referring to the Webster Dictionary definition: having or showing courage. What Valerie really wants from me is a list about my life that shows how I am bold, faithful, courageous, fearless, gallant, gutsy, heroic, stalwart, valiant, and undaunted. But am I?

Perhaps she wants a list of my perceived personal strengths: Perspective, curiosity, creativity, persistent, integrity, loving, kind, forgiving, common sense, or appreciation. But am I?

Or – perhaps – maybe – she wants a record of how I have not killed myself even though racked with annually – monthly – daily – hourly – instantly – excruciating anxiety and fear that was born and nurtured from birth? But is this bravery?

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Can a person who breaths a thousand styles of FEAR really know bravery – too emotionally ugly – scared – to quit – Would this be substantial bravery?

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Does a brave person consider death – Is death bravery?

Death is merely a separation.

Death is freedom from vulnerability.

Death is to say goodbye to eternal pain.

Death is the ultimate unwrapping of a final Christmas gift.

Death is conclusive serenity.

Death is the start of true life.

Does a brave person –

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Cry alone at night?

Take pleasure in lucid nightmares every time they close their eyes?

Delight in mystified day-mares every time their closed eyes open?

Fear life with terror and trepidation every step they walk?

Weep alone in secret even in a crowd?

Live with arousing mental leprosy?

Face their unrequested existence in the fog of rational uncertainty?

Ever regard the moment “friends” will show their true depth of repulsion?

***

Is bravery –

Being too terrified to flee?

Being too angry to fight?

Being too panicky to be horrified?

Being too skeptical to trust?

***

Is life bravery or is bravery a social adjective for being too scared to be stupid?

Guy Lewis, Payson, Arizona: December 20, 2010

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